The first place this new van brought me to, was SGH , to visit my very sick aunt. My sis and I were chatting happily about everything, until we stepped into the ward. This is the first time I am visiting my aunt ever since she was warded about 3weeks ago.
My heart suddenly put on so much weight. It felt so heavy, I'm quite sure it has reached my knees when I took a look at her.
I couldn't recognise her at all.
She had lost most of her hair to chemo. She has lost so much weight, her face was small as my palm. The last time I saw her was about two months ago, each of us on our way to work. She was cheery and her shoulder length curly hair bouncing with her every step. She always give me a bright, wide smile everytime we crossed paths. Today, she couldn't even open her eyes fully to look at us when we sat by her bedside. She was so weak, she couldn't even open her mouth at all.
Her eldest daughter was sitting by her bedside. Though she was not crying or anything, I could see the helplessness, the despair in her eyes, and tears, blood and cracks in her heart. My cousin is only 3 years older then me, and she already has to cope with this. She is so much stronger, more mature than I am. Up till now, my parents are still doin the laundry, ironing, cooking, housework and supporting me. I'm still like a pampered little girl who takes everything for granted. I couldn't imagine what I would become if I was in her position.
I tried very hard, but i just couldn't keep my tears from flowing out. Her brothers, my dad and my uncle, were close to tears as well. I saw my father leaving the room once, and staring out of the window, with reddened eyes, for a long time.
It's so ironic.
My grandpa was discharged from TTS not long ago after a successful major operation, and now, he's losing his eldest daughter, my aunt, to cancer.
I don't understand what has my family done to deserve this. My aunt was never an evil character. And cancer wasn't even in our family medical history. In fact, she has always been the very kind, strong and yet gentle wife, mother, daughter, sister and aunt. Always with a bright smile and gentle laughter.
In fact, she is how I imagine Guanyin to look like.
She is now suffering so much that she has given up hope, and refuse treatment now. Doctor gave her only another few more months.
She's not a very close aunt, and already I couldn't bear the though of losing her.
Will everyone please pray for her?
Dear God, please don't take her away, and please, make her better, Please.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This brought up another sad memory...
The first and last time I lost someone dear, was 5years ago, when my great-grandmother passed away after suffering from stroke.
She loved and doted on her great-grandchildren with all her heart. She was a very doting and easily contented, easily tickled great-grandmother who liked Fillet O Fish (without the tartar sauce) and KFC whipped potato, and throws away rice for no reason whenever she likes.
We call her 'Ah-zor', and we, her great-grandchildren always took her for granted. Always shouting at her because she is she naggy. Always taking advantage of her dotingness on us. Asking her to take water for us, playing tricks on her. Always rude to her cuz we know she never gets angry at us. Always ask her to 'siam' whenever she blocked our view of Tom n Jerry showing on TV. We never realised how much we loved her until she left us.
Even when she was hospitalised after a fall in the bathroom, I took for granted that she would get well soon, and din visit her often, Who knows that her very first stay in the hospital, was also her last stay on earth.
She never got to go home after that.
When I was told of her demise, I cried for a week. I couldn't forgive myself for not visiting her in the hospital, not visiting her often after I moved back home to stay in secondary school.
Even now, five years later, I stil cant stop crying everytime I tink of her. Among all her great-grandchildren, she doted on me the most. Whenever I'm sick, she would cover blanket for me, rub my feet so I would't feel cold, but I would find her irritating and ask her to stop bothering me. I regret my childishness.
I miss her so much....... Ah-zor... jin gu bo kua tio li, bo tia li kong wey liao.. li di si ai dng lai kua wa...
Ah Zor and me, 19years ago..
